The Carpenter

Do you ever feel like you are constantly gravitating towards broken people, places or things? Not only are you drawn to the brokenness, but somewhere in your mind you also feel compelled to try your hand at fixing the brokenness within your own strength and abilities. If this is you, I want to first say this is me too friend! I invite you to read about my outlook on this and what I am learning on my journey OUT of being a person who identifies with brokenness.

Identity In Brokenness

It was about 2 years ago that I noticed I had accepted an identity in brokenness. God revealed this to me through my dating life. Things were really rocky in my relationship and I just couldn't figure out why. We went to church every Sunday, prayed together, shared the same faith in God, yet it still felt like the walls were continuing to crumble down. It wasn't too long before God showed me that my boyfriend at the time and I created a trauma bond, instead of a Godly bond. I thought the issues stemmed from us both just getting out of traumatic relationships and seeking something to fill those voids. I thought because of these factors we chose each other, however God showed me a little over a year ago, that was part of the reason, but it went even deeper for me. God showed me that for me, I was seeking someone who would pull me out of my pit, stroke my ego, and put me on a pedestal because I was incapable of putting myself on one at the time. I wanted someone that would fix my broken heart, and my broken self-esteem. And in the beginning, my boyfriend at the time seemed to be doing just that. So because I was getting what I wanted out of the deal, I was too blind to see how broken he had to be to even agree to try and fill those voids, and how toxic our relationship had become.

At the time of meeting my boyfriend, I had just graduated college the year prior, got a new apartment, and a new car. During that time, my boyfriend was living with his parents, using a rental car, and didn't have the best job. Meeting me gave him motivation to get certain things in his life in order which was great AT FIRST. From the outside looking in, it appeared I was this new woman in his life, who was helping him focus and get his priorities straight. I had so many things going on under the surface, that it made me feel like helping him turn things around gave me purpose. I mean it was really cute for some time but little did I know, lurking in the shadows was a spirit of ego and pride building themselves up. I took great pleasure in knowing things were turning around for him, because of "me." Or so I thought.

Now, I guess this is a good time to mention that while I was saving the day in my boyfriend's life, my own life was THE hot mess express. In the midst of all of this fake superhero business I was doing, I was severely depressed, gaining weight, had no true relationship with God, and was honestly just wandering this Earth aimlessly. When I think back to that time period, I can honestly say I was unhappy in just about every area of my life. I felt like a loser in everything BUT my fake superhero gig I had with my boyfriend at the time. If I'm being transparent, overtime I actually started believing that even with all of the areas I was failing miserably in, I still had more than my boyfriend because I didn't need to depend on anyone. I was convinced that my ability to survive through and hide my mess without needing any outside help meant I knew more than my boyfriend, and because of that, I told myself that I was better than him. I felt like he needed me in order for him to be okay. Before I knew it, my pride and ego were using his brokenness and his heart's desire to want better for himself and using it to their advantage. What started as a warm embrace and encouragement turned into a project for me. How many ways can I fix him, in order to keep myself too busy to actually work on myself? I gained an identity in fixing his brokenness because I was too fearful to address my own. So instead of focusing on building myself up, I decided the easier route was to build him up.

Projecting What's Reflecting

Overtime, I noticed that along with that sense of pride and ego I developed, I slowly began to pair it with a huge, overwhelming, spirit of frustration and irritation. I vividly remember asking myself, why am I so annoyed with my boyfriend and he isn't even doing anything? The truth is there were countless things I knew I should have been doing to grow myself in certain areas, but again I was too fearful to do them. So because I didn't push myself, I sought out other people, places and things that I identified broken spirits with and I believed I could influence them to push and be better for themselves. I mean why not right? I had the knowledge, I had the recipe! But what I didn't have was the right understanding of who God was to each of his children individually. I didn't acknowledge that He was The Carpenter, he created EVERYTHING and he didn't need my help fixing any of his children! I specifically remember having that feeling of, "UGHHHH OH MY GOSH, I have to show him EVERYTHINGGG!" When honestly, I didn't need to show him crap. How embarrassing right? I was really out here frustrated off something that was none of my business to begin with. But the things that were my business, I was straight up avoiding it. SMH

I recognize now the irritation settled in with my boyfriend only when he didn't choose the way I thought was best. I was so afraid of him getting hurt by this world, and I felt like because I had more experience with the world and I knew how gruesome it could be, if he did not follow my lead, he would fail. Forgetting that he is own person and God is guiding him throughout his own journey the way He saw fit. You want to know the craziest part? My boyfriend at the time actually fulfilled many of the expectations I had, however, it was still never enough for me. It was never enough because him growing wasn't the main goal. I had a desire for him to be better, but not if it meant him being better without my help. I really made myself believe it wasn't possible. There was no way my project could move on without me because then I would have no choice but to focus on myself and my own mess. So because of this mindset, when he did make the smallest mistakes, (which we are all entitled to) when he messed up, I clung onto those moments with dear life. I reminded him of those moments time and time again! Why? Well, they were reminders that in some way, shape or form my hot mess was still better than his. The worst part about it all was that because he was in such a broken space, despite all of the great works God was doing in his life, he couldn't see them because of the spotlight so many people including myself, placed on his failures.

All of the hurt, frustration, hate, pain, and unforgiveness I saw in my reflection was what I projected into my relationship. The things I didn't like the most about me were the things I criticized my boyfriend of the most in our relationship. The Bible even tells us that, "out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." It is my belief that people are drawn to brokenness because they refuse to acknowledge the broken person they see in the mirror. I know at the time, I was aware of the many things I wanted to work on. I thought about it all the time, however, when it came down to addressing it for myself and putting the work in, that was a task I deemed "too big." On the other hand, when I saw those traits in other people, places, and things I was quick to insert myself because deep down I was longing to fix those things within myself, I just didn't have the courage to.

Application

Over time, I have learned that God is THE CARPENTER of each and every one of our lives. We cannot try to build anyone else's home because it's not what we are created to do. We don't have the blueprint. God did not create us to focus on what he has planned for someone else. He creates us, and ordains our lives to specifically fit us. If you are someone who seems to draw to broken people, places and things, or maybe you know you're broken yourself, I encourage you to ask God to search your heart and bring forth your broken pieces. You have to allow people to grow, as well as yourself. You have to give them and yourself space to work at the pace God sets. When you interfere with God's plan, you are only prolonging the journey. Instead of creating a blueprint of what you think is best, go to The Carpenter and ask Him for the plan that he already knows is best. I am learning throughout this journey that the best way to help those people we feel like we should be protecting, is to allow them to see the work God is doing within you. Let them be a witness to knowing the foundation you have built your house upon. Testifying how God, your carpenter, has provided a blueprint in your life that you are continuing to follow step by step until the work is finished.

If you feel like you can relate to this story in any kind of way. From experience I am telling you, get out of God's way. Everything you've wanted from yourself, everything you've desired from that person will come forth when you LET GO! We must all individually build our house upon the Rock (God).

Prayer

Dear God, we thank you for being The Carpenter in our lives. We thank you for opening our eyes now to realize when we are prolonging our growth or the growth of people and things around us. We thank you for giving us the wisdom and maturity now to truly search our hearts and bring the things we are trying to build on our own to you. Renew our minds Lord, purge us of anything that is not like you! Help us to have faith in knowing that you have everything under control, and that our steps are ordered. Our blueprints were made before we were even in our mother's wound, so there is no need to create a new one. We thank you for grace and forgiveness. Continue to strengthen us all as we continue to HEAL, EVOLVE, and RISE! Amen!!!