What's Wrong With Me?!

I've spent most of my life asking myself and God this very question over and over again! Recently God gave me new revelation on this topic and I honestly could not wait to share it with you guys!

Growing up, I was a bit of an outsider (or at least that's how I viewed myself). I had friends, but sometimes I felt like just the "add-on" in many of my friend groups. I moved around a few times, so most of the friend groups I entered already had history and established relationships. I didn't really meet my "forever friends" until my last years of high school, in college, and a few as an adult. I know most of you are probably thinking the fact that I even found forever friends is a blessing in itself. And trust me, it is a blessing that I count twice, however, I remember vividly as a child wishing I had friends that I literally knew since elementary school or as a baby. I'm not really sure exactly why I desired that so badly, but I'm pretty positive it had something to do with the friend groups I was a part of. Most of them had known each other for years! I felt like maybe if I had that experience, I would feel like I belonged more in my friendships.

In my friend groups on many occasions, I remember always feeling out of place. I was uncomfortable and on edge with a lot of things that my friends seemed to enjoy or were good at. We would go hang out, everyone would come fly and I would always show up in some awkward corny outfit. LOL. I used to try too hard! SMH I would spend the whole time beating myself up, comparing myself, just wishing I could have picked an outfit or hairstyle that was better like them. It's crazy because my friends were always so supportive and gave me constant reassurance that I was fine the way I was, but I still wasn't having it!

Leading up to high school and during college, I really started to notice how different I was and to be honest, it bothered me. My friends would want to go to parties, or drink, or smoke and deep down I really didn't enjoy any of it. But I recall thinking to myself, "Bruh why can't you just freakin' relax and have fun like everyone else." Although I didn't care to do any of it, overtime I just started to join in with everyone because I had fear of being left out, or people thinking that I was no fun. Every time I would drink or smoke "for fun" I would beat myself up sooo badly, just telling myself how stupid I was to be literally FAKING a lifestyle for people who were going to love me regardless. Or not, and if not, they weren't true friends anyway. At this level in my faith I am now aware that back then, I was battling a huge spirit of conviction! And it got me really good! Because I felt out of place in these activities everyone around me was partaking in, I began to believe that something was wrong with me. I felt like there had to be a defect in me because I just couldn't freely enjoy the life I thought I should want.

I was a late bloomer in everything! Maybe that's "TMI", but oh well I'm here to be truthful and transparent! If you were a late bloomer and you think back to your late teens, early twenties, then I'm sure you know where I'm coming from. Everyone around you is getting a boo or boyfriend and talking about their make-out sessions and even more than that for some, (Once again being truthful and transparent) and you're sitting here getting dapped up and called bro. Or the worst one is the boy you're crushing on sliding in your DM's just to ask you if you can put them on with one of your friends. *CRINGEEE* Lawd this blog is trying to dig up some PTSD! LOL But I'm serious, I felt like nobody and I mean nobody was checking for me, and that took a huge hit on my confidence and once again made me ask God, "What the heck is wrong with me?" I felt like I was just lacking everywhere and I desired so deeply to feel like I belonged and to have fun without feeling guilt and regret.

I really hope I wasn't alone out here having these experiences! And if I was, it's all good, I'll take that! I just want you guys to see where I was. Following the crowds to feel a part, to feel noticed, to feel seen and to still go home, disgusted in yourself and feeling even more empty than you started. Knowing that there is something bubbling on the inside of you. A vision of a different you that you keep putting off because of fear. If this is you and you've experienced this, or you are facing this now, I want you to read the rest of this blog CLOSELY!

Set Apart!

Fast forward to now, God has revealed to me so many things from those different experiences I had as a child and young adult. And if you have dealt with this in any capacity I want you to receive this in the name of Jesus: they didn't "leave you out", you were being pulled out by Him. You didn't feel different for "no reason", you were called to be DIVINELY different for a purpose! They "couldn't see you" because you were walking in darkness instead of the light you knew in your gut, God was calling you to. God always had His hand on you. What they didn't know is that their rejection, was God's protection! Don't get it twisted! When the enemy THOUGHT he could set you up, God was too busy setting you apart. THERE IS/WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! You were set apart from your mother's womb. You weren't meant to look like them, you weren't called to act like them.

I want anyone that has every felt like this to know, He's holding you up! Don't get tired of fighting. I decree and I declare that you shall walk and not get weary, you shall run and not faint in the name of Jesus! Keep going, He will renew your strength and add everything you need on your journey unto you! Submit to that gut feeling He keeps giving you! So what if they look at you funny, if they don't understand, continue to be an example and one day they will.

It wasn't until I submitted my life to God that I experienced true peace. Many of us have an idea of what we think peace looks like, but you will never know what it can really feel like until you have a true encounter with God. Peace is not taking trips, or having money, or "not having drama in your life." Peace is being able to rest in the middle of the storms life throws at you, being able to have nothing and still have the joy of the Lord. A true relationship with God takes peace to a new level and I encourage each of you to seek after that peace and if you've found it, continue to build upon it.

“You have been set apart as Holy to the Lord your God, and He has chosen you from all the nations of the Earth to be His own special treasure." - Deuteronomy 14:2 (NLT)

Application

If you have ever asked yourself or God this question, I pray this blog gave you some encouragement. Sometimes you have to encourage yourself and speak to those false feelings and thoughts the enemy tries to engrave in our hearts and minds. You have to remind yourself of who you are in Christ Jesus. You don't lose. It's either a lesson or a blessing! Period! If you are feeling that conviction when you are in certain places or amongst certain groups, I challenge you to go to God about it and wait on Him to respond. Then I challenge you to take heed to His instructions and go where he leads you no matter what it looks like. No matter if people understand, if they are offended, or even if it hurts you personally! If God takes something from you, He is only going to replace it with something 10 times better!

Prayer

Dear God, I come to you as humbly as I know how. Before asking you for anything, Lord we just want to say thank you for everything! Thank you for keeping us, even when we didn't know you were there. Even when we didn't feel like you were there. Thank you for creating us in your image and setting us apart for the specific calling you have for us. God we thank you for your goodness and mercy that follows us all the days of our lives Dear God! We ask that you continue to heal those wounds from our past from the inside out. We bind any assignment that the enemy tries to attach to our lives that pulls away from what you have for us. God we pray that you open our ears so that we may hear your still, soft voice. God open our eyes so that we may see the vision you have for us clearly. Be with us in all that we do God. We invite you into our lives today, Oh God. Lord I ask that you bless Hidden Treasures and that you guide and cover us on our journey as we continue to Heal, Evolve, and Rise together! AMEN!